Archive for November, 2008

Work Parsing Contest #1

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 by duodecad

There is much to be said for grammatical parsings. Since 12 Apostrophes is full of PhD and MFA types in all things english, I thought I would whet you appetite with a relatively simple one from my place of employment:

Please schedule the committee meeting the month prior to the second monthly board meeting after quarter end.

Nice. One sentence reads half high-school algebra problem, half Orwellian mind transplant. But if you thought that was impressive, let’s move to a graduated example:

Remember that due to 2009 Open Enrollment completing at weeks end for medical and dental insurance and spending accounts ending tomorrow (Wednesday).  You only need to complete Open Enrollment paperwork for medical/dental insurance if you are adding, changing or canceling coverage, otherwise you can do nothing unless you are adding, changing or canceling coverage. Your current elections will carry over in 2009. If you want to participate in medical or dependent care spending accounts in 2009 you will need to submit new forms.  Submit forms, unless not required, to [NAME REMOVED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT] in Human Resources.

The first sentence here is a true gem. I think Open Enrollment may be ending on three different days, but I’m pretty sure the clearest indication is that it ends on Wednesday (maybe). The rest, well, I think I may need to turn in some forms, unless I am adding, changing or canceling coverage, but only if I am adding, changing or canceling coverage. If anyone would like to submit a formal translation, I would be much obliged.

Box o’ puppies

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 by Kris

Ever heard that expression, cuter than a box full of puppies? No? I just made it up? I challenge you to find anything cuter than the Shiba Inu Puppy cam, live feed of, well . . . you guessed it: www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam

In fact, the only thing cuter than a box full of puppies might be a room full of kittens? Check it out:mythicbells.camstreams.com

There is a lot of sleeping going on in both, but they help refresh the eyes, when you’ve spent your day staring at computer screens of neither puppies nor kittens.

The next step in the cuteness arms race: box o’ babies Webcam. I hesitate to Google it, though.

Exploited by hackers

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008 by Kris

12apostrophes looked a little funky yesterday.

As the blog is wont to do whenever I change anything, all the posts (temporarily) disappeared, and we had to run the site in the WordPress “Classic” theme.

I was updating to the latest version of WordPress to address a security flaw. An article I read pointed out that spammers had been hacking WordPress blogs and using them for nefarious spamming activities.

Ha, I thought. Well, I don’t think that’s happening, but I should upgrade anyway.

When I opened up my header.php file, I found hundreds of lines of text full of links to discounted pain, sleep, and erection medicine. They didn’t display, but they were in there.

Why? I didn’t know. It could be as simple as boosting their Google ranking by creating a large number of links to their sites. I went ahead and stocked up, then deleted the links.

Whatever the reason, 12apostrophes had been exploited by hackers, just like a blog ten times as well-known or frequently updated! I feel all warm and fuzzy. We’ve really made it.

[dork gibberish warning: just in case the following bit of insider baseball could help anyone out there like me, who uses a modified Kubrick theme and tried to upgrade their WordPress, and had the oh-my-God-all-the-posts-are-GONE problem, listen up: you didn't update the wp-content folder, right? Because you didn't want to overwrite your modified theme? Go ahead and update wp-content/themes/default/functions.php. It's OK. In fact, it will make all your posts magically reappear. The problem does not lie with a conflict in your loop(s), no matter how many hours you spend squinting at them. Ha ha.]

We are experiencing technical dificulties

Monday, November 10th, 2008 by Kris

no longer!

My favorite Republicans

Friday, November 7th, 2008 by Unwit

From this point onward, I must forbid anyone at this site or elsewhere from lumping all Republicans into the category of country-club-hopping, sheet-wearing, cross-burning, environmentalist-trashing, Jesus-Nazis who don’t read the Bible or anything else.  Because my sister and her husband, the ones we stayed with in Ohio (right, the swing state — THAT Ohio), were the nicest people in the world to me and Kam [AKA the Professor and the Pit Bull] while we were there.  Campaigning.  To defeat their candidate in the presidential election.

In fact, they invited us.

They have raised the bar for decent human behavior in our family, demonstrating what I would call Christian virtues, except that they were Jewish virtues long before they were popularized by that nice Jewish boy from Nazareth, and except that Kirsten and Mark are atheists. But you get my drift.

It started when I was being maligned this summer by email by a Jesus-Nazi after I publicly disagreed with the group email about Obama being the Antichrist.  Kirsten jumped in and defended me to the group.

Kirsten offered to us that, while she wasn’t voting for Obama, any of her relatives who wanted to campaign for him in Ohio were welcome to stay with her while they did.

I doubt I’d've offered that, but now I have to, because she raised the bar.

She offered to pick up Kam at the airport Halloween evening, and stocked up on cottage cheese and frozen blueberries and coffee for us to eat while we were there.

The night before Election Day, they cooked steaks ordered from Omaha for us and waited dinner until very late when we got home that night.  Mark ended up grilling them in the backyard in the dark.

On Election day, Mark offered Kamilla the use of his ancient Toyota, which was great.  Kam was able, on her breaks from poll-watching, to get stuff from the local 7-11, while I flushed out voters in a heavily Democratic neighborhood across town.  Priceless.

They both got up at four a.m. with us ["It's exciting!" they said] and ran around finding Kam a thermos for her coffee. Mark ended up having to walk a mile to his polling place to vote.  And he did vote, but it wasn’t enough to put McCain over the top in Ohio.

When we got back about eleven on election night, they had gone to bed, but got up to watch McCain’s concession speech and Obama’s acceptance speech.   When we came in the front foor, we found a hand-drawn picture with the caption “Congratulations, Kam and Karah!”  It featured a picture of an elephant crying big hand-drawn tears.

No We Can’t

Thursday, November 6th, 2008 by Pulao

There’s a lot of serious discussion surrounding the elections, which is all fine and dandy, but yesterday, I came across this article from The Root. Christopher Beam (from Slate) and Chris Wilson would like to remind us of the things that white folk should not do just because Obama has been elected president:

1. Don’t personally congratulate all your black friends.

Black people are not a sports team, and Obama did not win the Super Bowl.

2. Don’t declare that you “never thought you’d see the day.”

You never thought you’d see the day?

3. Don’t start crossing the street in order to walk next to a black person.

President Obama is glad you support racial reconciliation, but he takes a hard line against jaywalking.

4. Don’t name drop “Dr. King.”

If you absolutely must make some comment about how this is a victory for civil rights, pick a marginally less obvious figurehead.

5. Don’t use the phrase “white people” in any way that suggests it doesn’t include you.

Contrary to popular belief, having voted for Obama does not make you even “semi-down.” Sorry if there was any confusion there.

To be fair, The Root also has a companion piece on what black people shouldn’t do. But seriously, it also hosts Henry Louis Gates’s article on what it feels to have Obama elected, and an open letter to our president-elect from Alice Walker.

Reserving the Right to Declare my Boner

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 by Big Slutty

[N.B. For those of you offended by the title of this post, I apologize. I simply could not resist the double entendre]

Yesterday’s election finally proved the cynics and naysayers wrong. The defeatism evident in the public statements of men like Karl Rove and Steve Schmidt was shown to be premature, as Americans collectively proved that they are still as susceptible as ever to overblown rhetoric and political posturing. Obama supporters are elated, and they have every right to be: their candidate for president won an historic victory and won decisively. Like many people, I was overwhelmed by the announcement and have cried several times, most recently when watching Sherri Shepherd talk about what the election meant to her on The View (I’m pleased to announce she is no longer a flat-earther). McCain supporters are incensed that their hero has lost yet again and must return to Washington with his head held high despite a debilitating defeat. But supporters of both candidates should recognize that for the past twenty-two months strategists, handlers, and politicians have been attempting to manipulate their affects and their beliefs. They should be furious, but they should direct their collective anger constructively.

If you volunteered/voted for Obama, you undoubtedly are suffused with pride, which seems to be the general tone of many of the postings I saw on facebook throughout the day. If you volunteered/voted for McCain, you have undoubtedly uttered some iteration of the America is doomed meme—“Americans deserve what they get!” “Get ready to shell out more of your hard-earned money!” “Welcome back to the welfare state.” Both sides need to take a collective breath and be more circumspect in their speech. Elections are always a depressing time for me. I am saddened by the defeatism of those who allege they voted for the lesser of two evils. But I am even more concerned by the naiveté of those who profess dogmatic faith in the infallibility of their respective candidate. (Senators McCain and Obama have both admitted to being imperfect human beings. Why should we not take them at their word?)

When a friend asked (via a surrogate) whom I would be voting for in the election, he was disappointed when he eventually heard I was supporting a major party candidate. In defense of my decision, I pointed out that my candidate clearly had the edge when it came to rhetoric, stage presence, and political savvy, which became one of the deciding factors for me this election. Many of you will undoubtedly accuse me of being flippant, if not utterly moronic, for basing such an important decision on aesthetics, but when all is said and done, the only metric we have for measuring what kind of President someone will be is his or her campaign.

We must, however, not lose site of the seductive power of presidential campaigns, particularly world-historic ones like the one we witnessed yesterday. Barack Obama is not a J.F.K., a F.D.R., or even a Teddy Roosevelt, nor is he a Lincoln or a Washington. Barack Obama is not even a Barack Obama, an irony that has not been lost on this Senator now turned President Elect. To be fair, none of these men could ever live up to the idealized representation of them that historians have bequeathed to us. True, they were all transformational figures in their own right, but the paths they laid out for America were always cautious, measured according to their own political aspirations and their knowledge of the fickleness of the American electorate. Whether or not President Obama will be any different remains to be seen.

Make no mistake, Barack Obama is a moderate Democrat, a centrist, who will do what is necessary to govern with the highest degree of consensus possible. While I recognize that it was politically expedient to praise the Clinton Administration during the course of the campaign, I sincerely hope that he will not govern according to the same strategy of triangulation invented and trumpeted by the Clinton White House. Despite the hateful speech spewing from the mouths of the rabid partisans supporting McCain, Barack Obama is not a Socialist or a terrorist. At the very least, he will help to usher in a new era of economic prosperity for the country similar to that which Clinton presided over, but let us not forget that the Clinton years were followed by the Bush years and the Obama years could very well be followed by the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Earlier today, world leaders as diverse as President Hu of China, Chancellor Merkel of Germany, and Prime Minister Olmert of Israel offered their congratulations to the President Elect, but let us not forget that these men and women, like many leaders around the world, may have come from relatively humble beginnings but all now serve with the implicit (but often explicit) consent of the wealthy and the privileged.

Barack Obama’s campaign succeeded, in part, because millions of people made small donations of money and time to help the candidate spread his message of change to the electorate. However, despite the histrionics of pundits and public figures who are today heralding this transformational moment in American history on the major news networks (will Oprah Winfrey ever go away?), those of us who supported Obama must recognize that we are now placed in a somewhat precarious position. If we are not careful, the influence of Washington and corporate America (they donated to his campaign too, and they are the Goliath to our David) will prove too great for a President Obama and not because of any personal weaknesses of the man. In his victory speech last night, Obama once again affirmed that his supporters all have a stake in his campaign, but the cynics in the power centers of New York, Washington, Moscow, Beijing, Berlin, Paris, etc., etc., etc. are hoping that the once disaffected will again disengage from the political process. If we allow this to happen, Obama will surely fail, and this moment will be little more than a blip on the radar of capitalism. On the other hand, if we blindly follow the policies that will inevitably be put forth by the Obama White House without retaining a voice in the process, the pressure to submit to the will of the moneyed elite will prove too great, and the country may once again see an arrogant demagogue ascend to the highest office in the land. Several people have pointed out that the Obama campaign will pass on a formidable listserv to the Obama White House, and I can only hope that they can use this database as leverage against some of the major impediments to real reform—lobbyists, career politicians, Wall Street bankers, and the military industrial complex. However, no amount of emails will have an effect if the American people reprise their role as Rip van Winkle. The direction this country will take in the next four years is still shrouded in mystery. Personally, I am still holding my breath—holding my breath and hoping for the best.

I’ve renamed the states

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 by Unwit

Pennsylbama.   Floribama.  Virginiabama.  Coloradobama.  New Mexicobama.  Iowabama.

Thanks to the 12apostophes contingent, Minnesotabama.

Thanks to Kam and me, Ohiobama. We’ll tell you how we did it when we recover from pounding the pavement.  We’re going to recover by some intensive interval-type shopping.
Looks like there might also be a North Carolinabama and Indianabama.

I’ve decided to rename a red state, too.  In honor of its achievements in the preservation of openly expressed racism against blacks — here’s the results of a survey of Kentuckians conducted by my local newspaper:

http://www.kentucky.com/news/state/story/568306.html

Excerpt: A survey of 600 likely Kentucky voters, which was taken Oct. 19 to 21 and has a margin of error of 4 percentage points, . . .  asked respondents to react to two statements about race in general.

More than three out of every five respondents also agreed with a statement that said “if blacks would only try harder, they could be just as well off as whites.” One fifth of people polled said they disagreed with the statement while 19 percent said they weren’t sure.

The 61 percent of Kentucky respondents who said they agreed with that statement is well above the 35 percent who agreed when asked the same question in a national Associated Press-Yahoo poll taken in September.

– and because I live there, I’ve decided to rename Kentucky.  From now on, it will be referred to as “Hussein.” Former Kentuckians, now known as Husseinites, need to just get the hell over it.

OBAMA, thank God

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 by Kris

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Go early tomorrow and . . .

Monday, November 3rd, 2008 by Kris


VOTE!


That was for everybody.

Minneapolis readers: Wonder which “Soil and water supervisor Seat 3″ you should give your vote to this year?

Check out the StarTribune’s “My Vote” site: entering your address will give you your polling location and a sample ballot — so you can research all the ins and outs of the less-contested seats. Check it out here.