On July 15, everyone’s favorite youthful necromancer this side of Mickey’s Apprentice, returns for another enchanting installment. The hilarity begins when a wicked school marm, in league with the mighty Wormawort, who if you believe the bumper stickers is widely supported by Republicans, punishes Harry’s entire class for turning the chalkboard eraser into a toad.

In the previous 13 installments of this series, Harry has had to learn tough lessons on his way to otherworldly wizardry. Now, however, as we begin the next eighteen-part chapter of this long awaited series, Harry emerges as the ensorcelling hocus-poser we’ve all been awaiting. And in one mystic movement, he points to his lightning bolt birthmark, winks at his classmates, and conjures Marm Ugglidty-Bugility into a Blood Prince.

A Blood Prince, for those living in a cave, is much like the Prince of Tides, except of blood. It is an extraordinarily powerful being, with a head, arms, legs, torso, eyes, and teeth all made of blood. Unfortunately for Harry, he forgot to cast the containment spell, so Marm Ugglidty-Bugility quickly starts to drain away.

A little abracadabra later and Harry and friends have half the Blood Prince, formerly Marm Ugglidty-Bugility. At this point, Republicans and the Wiggles are very mad. They begin to protest all the occult and witchcraft. Harry and friends are simultaneously faced with the diabolic armies of Wormawort and the insidious bobos listening to a man named Rush over his spooky black-arts invention: the radiator.

Do Harry and friends find the other half of Marm Ugglidty-Bugility ? Do the legions of Wormawort and Rush join forces? Do the Wiggles put out another album? This review can’t give everything away, but it is fair to say that in time Harry and friends learn some important lessons, spend a lot of time pondering their fate, particularly the question of Harry’s mortality in the 50^th and final part of this movie saga, and make lots of whooshing noises with their magic wands. You’ll be bewitched by this charming and wonderful tale. And you’ll come away with an uncanny prophecy of your own: Harry’s tricks will be back for more next summer!<–>

Patriotic pretzels

This product got me thinking — is it even possible to come up with 5-10 food products less likely to be patriotized than pretzels?

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This has got to be harder than hitting a 90 MPH fastball: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/22/forward-flip-basketball-s_n_218799.html

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On more serious Minnesota political notes,

1) When does Al Franken get to be Senator already?

2) Why doesn’t anyone seem to care that Minnesota’s Governor is behaving like a King?

3) At least one piece of good news for Minnesota baseball fans — no increase in garbage burning coming from right field…http://www.startribune.com/local/west/48815442.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUUX

It is in the spirit of Kris’s illuminating review of Transformers Deux that I offer my inaugural post on 12apostrophes: my take on the latest Tarantino film I have not seen…

It is with much anticipation that moovygoers await Quentin Terentino’s new film, Inglourious Basterds. In this latest offring from the qwerky cineaste, Braed Pit leads a teem of Jewish-‘merican soldeurs who are sent on a mission into occupyed France to brutalize n kill n scalp Nazis. Inglourious pays frommage to both New Waive cinema and the bahsghetti-western tradition. Indeed, watching Inglourious is like watching a version of The Good, The Bad & The Ugly that is set in WWII and directed by Jean-Luc Godard while the director of Pulp Fiction holds a gun to his head. In short, Inglourious is galore-ious! C it!

I haven’t actually seen Transformers 2 — in fact, no one has, as it’s not out yet. Or maybe it’s out now?

Anyhow, a few missing details is no good reason for failing to write a quality review.

Transformers 2: Rise of the Robots starts out as a small, empty movie, and never quite becomes the whiz-bang giant robot you came to see.

Which brings me to an interesting question: how does a tiny car become a humungoid robot? I mean, how is the mass of a city-crushing machine with its head in the clouds packed into a VW beetle? You know, scientifically? Weird.

In Transformers 2: Machines Unleashed, Earth is a stage for gargantuan robots to bash, shoot, and thunder against each other. The human characters are no more than window dressing, following the thinnest thread of a plot regarding dilithium crystals or kryptonite . . . something the big robot-types need desperately. Right?

The visual effects are stunning only in their decibel level, which is a hallmark of Jerry Bruckheimer or McG or whichever director it is I don’t like that helmed the film.

Not that Transformers the Second: Optimus Prime Strikes Back is wholly without surprises. At the end, just when you think the head Desceptor Khan robot is finally dead, and Shia Le Beuf is finally going to kiss a girl and/or boy, the lead antagonist robot rises back up and/or sets a catastrophic event in motion with his or her dying breath and/or battery.

Spoiler alert! I mean for that last paragraph — forget it if you want not to be spoiled.

When all is said and done, Transformers Part II: Shia’s Choice is pretty much exactly, no more nor less than, that what meets your eyes.

Thanks to Pulao, creator of The Unviewed Review!

Did you guys see Up?

I would say it’s easily one my favorite movies this year, but that’s beside the point. I guess the question I really want to ask is, did you read any of the reviews for Up?

Here’s a few excerpts from Up’s metacritic page. See if you find anything in common in the language, beyond the fact that most critics seem to adore it.

A captivating odd-couple adventure that becomes funnier and more exciting as it flies along.– Variety

A lovely, thoughtful, and yes, uplifting adventure.– Entertainment Weekly

Rousing, exhilarating entertainment.– Miami Herald

Easily the summer’s, and probably the year’s, most enchanting movie, Up is a buoyant delight.– USA Today

A thoroughly uplifting bit of cinema.– New Orleans Times-Picayune

And here’s one that differs in content, but still fits in:

After a strong takeoff, the film lands on dead grounds.– Film Threat

Do you get it? See, the critics (those clever so-and-sos) are making references to the TITLE of the film in their evaluations. Isn’t that something else?

Ok, so it’s true that this irked me for quite a while. It felt like I wouldn’t even have to have seen the films to be able to predict that these lines would show up in its reviews. Which got me thinking– what else can we assume, without watching the movies themselves, that will be in movie reviews? Which got me thinking more– why don’t we figure that out here, at 12apostrophes?

So let’s play a game. It’s not a contest, exactly, but more like a call for reviews. Of movies you haven’t seen. Feel free to choose whatever film you’d like, though here’s a short list, if you’d like, of upcoming films from this summer:

Year One
Transformers II
Julie and Julia
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Maybe you’d like to include an IMDB plot summary if you think you might need it. In either case, remember to strenghthen your reviews with enough references to the title.