Woman Arrested For Hamster Neglect

This is obviously a woman who sucks….

Woman Arrested For Hamster Neglect

Police arrested a woman for neglecting hamsters at her home after her roommate called authorities, police said Sunday.


Sgt. Rick Larson said police arrested the 23-year-old on 39 counts each of two charges: failing to provide food and drink and failing to provide proper shelter to animals.


The Rock County Humane Society removed 33 live and six dead hamsters.

My first thought was that maybe she was trying to get back at the Hamsters of Doom. I mean maybe she was trying to torture these hamsters because she was afraid of what they might do to her if left roaming around outside of cages. In her mind they would obviously be raining down terror on the innocent with coconuts. Her solution: round up as many hamsters as possible and submit them to death by starvation. Striking fear into the hearts of all would be Hamsters of Doom! (I think a better solution would be to submit the would be coconut-dropping flying hamsters to waterboarding torture. But maybe that’s just me… and perhaps the Khymer Rouge, or Donald Rumsfeld. In good company.)

But then I started thinking… Maybe she was just well on her way to being that hamster lady (instead of a cat lady). Or was she really a future cat lady prepping up to get her first cats, thinking that it would be better to start off small, with hamsters. She obviously isn’t going to make much of a cat lady at this rate. Perhaps she should’ve started off with a plant. But maybe she did start off with a plant, like one of those plants that you only have to water once every week or two. Maybe I don’t know what’s going on.

If she just watched the Hamster Dance maybe she wouldn’t have felt the need to have 40 hamsters in her home. Maybe we should all watch the hamster dance a little bit more often. All that good energy. All that love. All that DANCING! Maybe that would cancel out the Doom Hamsters. You know, like in Ghostbusters 2 where the Ghostbusters sprayed all that good slime on the inside of the Statue of Liberty and rigged it up with a Nintendo controller and came into the city and everybody in New York started singing “(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher” and all that good energy started flowing and Vigo ends up being destroyed? Yeah. Good energy. Hamster Dance. Sweet.

4 Responses to Woman Arrested For Hamster Neglect

Post a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *