Work Parsing Contest #1

There is much to be said for grammatical parsings. Since 12 Apostrophes is full of PhD and MFA types in all things english, I thought I would whet you appetite with a relatively simple one from my place of employment:

Please schedule the committee meeting the month prior to the second monthly board meeting after quarter end.

Nice. One sentence reads half high-school algebra problem, half Orwellian mind transplant. But if you thought that was impressive, let’s move to a graduated example:

Remember that due to 2009 Open Enrollment completing at weeks end for medical and dental insurance and spending accounts ending tomorrow (Wednesday).  You only need to complete Open Enrollment paperwork for medical/dental insurance if you are adding, changing or canceling coverage, otherwise you can do nothing unless you are adding, changing or canceling coverage. Your current elections will carry over in 2009. If you want to participate in medical or dependent care spending accounts in 2009 you will need to submit new forms.  Submit forms, unless not required, to [NAME REMOVED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT] in Human Resources.

The first sentence here is a true gem. I think Open Enrollment may be ending on three different days, but I’m pretty sure the clearest indication is that it ends on Wednesday (maybe). The rest, well, I think I may need to turn in some forms, unless I am adding, changing or canceling coverage, but only if I am adding, changing or canceling coverage. If anyone would like to submit a formal translation, I would be much obliged.

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