I use the word “performance” loosely. I’ve seen soap opera stars that were more convincing.  She could certainly star in her own reality TV show, though.  I mean, it’s a perfect set-up.  Like the scantily clad beach bunnies “surviving” in the jungles of Brazil, or the strangely attractive kids (each in a different but ultimately photogenic way) working, playing and living in “The Real World.”  In fact, I think SP is starring in the wildly popular “Who Will Be America’s Next President?”   She plays the plucky, wise-beyond-her-years newcomer, McSame plays the crotchety but soft-hearted Colonel, and Trig is the next Lion King (honestly, weren’t . . .

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Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader . . .

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1. That the federal government keeps track of banks that are in danger of failing, and that usually there are 10 or so on the watch-list, and this year there are 117 (112 of which, I think, have since failed).

2. That there would be a big financial disaster soon and the Dow would fall to 7000 before it starts going up again and I should put all of my 501k retirement money into Treasury Bonds (Sure. I ran to my room, broke open my piggy bank, and double-checked that both of my retirement dollars are still in there – . . .

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I’ve always been fascinated by cows. I suppose being fascinated by cows could be considered a negative indicator of intelligence, but I prefer to think of it as a love of nature, and a reverence for where my hamburgers come from.

As a kid, I helped my cousin in Mississippi get his show cow ready for the fair. “Helped” mainly meant “watched,” as I was a bit of a city slicker, and hadn’t beefed up (sorry!) on my cow fundamentals. But I helped clean and groom the cow, which included a thorough tail bleaching. The tail bleaching, I’ve always remembered, . . .

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Yesterday marked one week that Pulao has been in India, while I’ve remained in Minneapolis.

So far, things are deteriorating rapidly. Last night, I had beef jerky for dinner. I’ve also decided that growing a goatee is a good idea, even though my face lacks the proper follicles to support manly hair growth. I’ve even looked into the mirror, rubbed my budding peach-fuzz goatee with two fingers and mused, “Mustache . . . ?” Uh-oh.

A week may seem fast to have descended into the depths of mustache-musing, but remember: I work at home. I may not see another living . . .

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