I’m Reed Fish . . . [shudder]

I'm Reed Fish  . . . blech

Pulao, Jayu, and I saw the worstest of worst movies at a friend’s house the other night. I saw the box at the movie store and picked it up of my own free will, even though the title was I’m Reed Fish, which should have told me all I needed to know. I saw the funny kid from the short-lived TV show Undeclared and the girl from Gilmore Girls, arm in arm, smiling up at me from the cover. They looked so happy, but it was all a lie.

The IMDB Plot Synopsis reads “This plot synopsis is empty” which turned out to be a scarily accurate description. You learn, after about a half hour, that the film you are watching is really a film within a film, directed and screened by the main character, Reed Fish, to an audience of characters in the film, some of which play themselves, and some of which are played by each other. Yeah.

There’s a “zorse,” which is a striped horse–half horse, half zebra–and the zorse really stole the show–although it was only onscreen for 24 seconds, he elicited a pleasant “huh,” and then a slight intake of breath that almost led to a chuckle, which was the emotional highlight of the film.

I’m Reed Fish is the recipient of two awards too many, by which I mean the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival Film Discovery Jury Award in two categories–Best Actor and Best Actor Award. So that’s one award too many. It also grossed 3,130 dollars too many, if you know what I mean. If what I mean is that it grossed $3,000, which is one of the greater scams of the century.

I’m Reed Fish proves Einstein’s special theory of relativity, which shows there’s no absolute measurement of time, but that time depends on an observer’s position, speed, and on the soulless quotient when measuring the delivery of inane dialogue, so that the 93-minute running time advertised on the box easily stretched to 6 or 7 hours in the space-time fabric of the couch where we sat.

Anybody seen any bad movies lately? Worst. Movie. Ever?

P.S. More I’m Reed Fish reviews: “Compared to “Princess Diaries 2”, another PG movie I saw this weekend, “I’m Reed Fish” was easily the more enjoyable film.

15 Responses to I’m Reed Fish . . . [shudder]

  1. dingus says:

    The worst movie ever is Powder (1995), directed by Victor Salva, a convicted child molester. This unfortunate fact is not what makes it the worst movie ever as sex criminals have done some fine work – see Roman Polanski’s Chinatown, but Chinatown is not about a telekinetic albino. At least not overtly.

    There was a film released this year called “Who’s Your Caddy?” That’s got to be pretty bad, right?

    I found a wikipedia entry on The 50 Worst Movies Ever made:

    You know, when I was a kid I thought Howard the Duck was a fine film. I even had the Howard the Duck video game for Commodore 64.

    And the all-time low scores at metacritic.com (which is skewed because it’s a relatively new site):

    Certainly Bio-Dome is not a good movie but it’s watchable. I think I may have seen the whole thing.

  2. Duedecad says:

    Yes, but have you seen I’m Reed Fish 2? I feel like few movies sound as bad as the one described above.

    I can imagine the sequel being worse though, and I might have to say that “November” starring Courtney Cox or “Gremlins 2” starring Zach Galligan might enter into the I’m Reed Fish 2 category.

    Better question, why do most of us finish movies that are that bad? I feel compelled like I’m doing something noble….

  3. Kris says:

    I could have happily gotten up and walked away from this one (Mr. Fish), but in the group setting, it was kind of fun to keep groaning at it.

    Luckily I haven’t seen “Bio-Dome,” “Who’s Your Caddy?,” “November,” nor “Gremlins 2.” Not even “Powder.” And hopefully I never, ever will.

    I have seen “The Forgotten,” where there is a lot of spooky buildup until (SPOILER ALERT!) people are suddenly snatched up from the ground into the air by unseen forces for unknown reasons, though much to the amusement of the audience (yes, I saw it in the theater, God help me).

    I love the Metacritic tag for ratings of 1 or 6: Extreme dislike or disgust. “I’m Reed Fish” only got a 36: generally negative reviews. But the people who reviewed it well also gave Powder an A+.

  4. Jayashree says:

    Compared to “I’m Reed Fish” “Bio-Dome” is sheer poetry and profound philosophical analysis wrapped inside good humor and gentle cynicism.
    Other runner-ups for “Reed Fish 2” for me might be “Van Helsing” and a movie I saw when I was 13–whose name I have thankfully forgotten–that was advertised as soft-core porn. There was no sign of a love/lust-interest till nearly 45 minutes in, and no sex at all! I wanted my money back. It was also in Spanish, with really bad sub-titles.

  5. Pulao says:

    Jayashree, maybe you were simply missing all the innuendo that made the Spanish movie so erotic? Maybe the sexless action was meant to emphasize the deeply sexual conversation? Bad translations/subtitles can be so dangerous…

    I’ve never walked out a theatre in my life (I even made my friends in high school sit through The Flintstones, for which they’ve never forgiven me), but I had to stop watching House Guest on video, starring the stellar Sinbad, fifteen minutes into it.

  6. Anirban says:

    Panic Room. (Alt title – Die hard watching Jodie and Forest Whittaker in this pointless flick)

  7. Pulao says:

    If *Panic Room* is the worst film you’ve seen, I want your life. It was by no means an awesome movie, but it at least was trying something different, the idea was fun, the actors were surprisingly good (oh, that cooky Jared Leto), though I agree that the execution was off.

    What makes *I’m Reed Fish* SO bad, was that it was a banal idea mixed with unexcited writing tossed with complacent acting. Though if the film aspires to nothing and that’s where it ends up, is it some kind of a success?

  8. Kris says:

    Jared Leto’s hair in Panic Room was AWESOME. Just sayin’

  9. Anirban says:

    There will be a day when I shall appreciate the virtues of a cliche driven plot in a movie that lacks the basic action sequences needed to make the movie bearable. That day is not Today. Today I fight… no not really just regret the time wasted…

  10. Aakaash says:

    I liked Gremilins 2! I saw it when I was 12, and it had a flying gremlin, a dinosaur gremlin, even a a gremilin that was pure electricity…and speaking of Die Hard, G2 took place in one building in almost-real-time.
    I’m also with Pulao on Panic Room – never ever going to be a good movie, but worst EVER? That’s setting the bar pretty high – especially since the extras on the DVD are pretty much a semester in film school.
    I have seen so many horrible movies…but right up there is the Gabriel Byrne/ Sly Stallone/ Thandie Newton poker flick SHADE. I have no idea why that movie has the following it does – granted the whole thing is about poker, but it’s awful. Awful acting, awful editing (a car ride actually made me dizzy, just by switching angles on the same people talking), awful makeup (Sly’s never looked so botoxed), awful screenplay (I think “mucking cards” is mentioned as an example of the tricks they used…huh?) and awful, awful, front-lit-with-no-background–60s-cheapie-western cinematography. On second thoughts – watch it. You’ll know of what I speak.

  11. Jayashree says:

    And then there are the other kind of movies…. Here’s a news item from Yahoo news:
    “Two jail inmates used photos of bikini-clad women to hide holes they used to escape and left behind a thank-you note, signed with a smiley face, for a guard they claimed helped them, officials said Monday….The jailbreak is reminiscent of one in the movie “The Shawshank Redemption” in which the main character, an inmate, uses posters of women, including of a bikini-clad Raquel Welch, to conceal an escape tunnel he had been digging.”

    Take that, Reed Fish!

    I also saw one of a third category of movies this week: Keri Russell and Jonathan Rhys Meyers’s August Rush. A twenty-first century version of Oliver Twist, it was probably one of the most boring nice movies I’ve seen in a while. I learnt very little about what I should do if I were ever in prison but at least I didn’t come out confused about its editing, casting choices, lackluster plot, or freshman take on auteurship.

  12. Kris says:

    You always have to check behind the poster of Raquel Welch. That’s the first thing they teach you in prison guard school.

  13. Matt says:

    I notice no one’s mentioning “Gigli.” Is that because no one else has seen it? Because it can’t be that no one else thought it was the worst. Movie. Ever.

    I also notice no one’s mentioning “Lady in the Water.” That must just be because Salma hasn’t commented. Closest I’ve ever come to walking out of the theater.

  14. Aakaash says:

    Never saw Lady in the Water – The Village was enough for me… let me know when Shyamalan makes Unbreakable 2 and I might see that.

  15. Anirban says:

    Silverado. Amazing how Kevin Kline managed to follow that up with Wild Wild West (agreed, that was supposed to be a fun movie…but it was still bad)

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